


Do You Feel the Way We're Falling out of Touch?

by eyessharpweaponshot



Series: Chopped: The 100 Fanfic Challenge [2]
Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Exes, F/M, Kissing, Pining, Sharing a Bed, Suggestive Themes, Time Loop, no leaked spoilers in this fic, trailer inspiration only
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-06 06:33:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18382928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eyessharpweaponshot/pseuds/eyessharpweaponshot
Summary: Clarke and Bellamy are over and he has moved on, it's just something Clarke has to accept. They have a job to do and that's what is important now. They spend the entire day at odd's with one another, being distant and lying about their true feelings. When they're stuck in a time loop because of their inability to be honest though, it's time to start admitting some things - and it turns out to be a little harder than expected.Written for Round 2 of Chopped: The 100 Fanfic Challenge.1st place winner for'overall theme (angst)'& also placed 1st in the ‘most in character’ category.2nd place winner in the use of the tropes'exes', 'giving up their weapons',and'time loop'.Also placed 2nd in the'overall winners'category.3rd place winner in the use of the trope'kissing/hooking up to get it out of their systems.'Thank you all so much for voting.





	Do You Feel the Way We're Falling out of Touch?

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter title is from the song 'Touch' by Blau.  
>  **Note: this fic contains no leaked spoilers for season 6. Inspiration is taken from the trailer and legally released information and the rest of the work is from my own imagination, so you can read with ease.**
> 
>  _Written for Round 2 (angst) in[Chopped: The 100 Fanfic Challenge](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/The_100_Chopped_Challenge_Round_2)._  
> Mandatory prompts/tropes to include:  
> 1\. exes  
> 2\. “give up all your weapons” and that one person that spends the entire evening taking their weights worth out of their pockets  
> 3\. “lets just (kiss/hook up/whatever) to get it out of our system”  
> 4\. groundhog day/time loop AU (must go through three (3) time loops)

Sanctum.

Clarke can see the appeal of the name that appeared on their ship systems when they faced the new planet. A sacred place, like a shrine within a temple or a church. The first definition definitely seems suitable for their new home, it’s peaceful here - _sacred_.

The planet is colour rich like Earth never was. The lakes are vibrant blue and the grass is luscious green, mixed in with the orangey-yellow of the two suns in the sky.

The second definition doesn’t fill Clarke with as much joy: a private place, from which most people are excluded.

Yeah - now that sounds more like their line of luck.

She glances over at Bellamy who is lacing up his boots on the gravel of the lake’s shore. Despite the years spent away from her and the many years spent in cryo, he hasn’t changed. Not really.

His black jacket suits his skin tone and he still wears his gun holster around his right thigh. She’s pretty sure that the blue henley he’s wearing underneath his jacket is from Arkadia and his dark curls are still messy on his head, like always. The beard suits him, something Clarke thought he’d never adopt to his appearance considering he kept himself so clean shaven before - back when everything was different.

The concentration in his features as he tightens his boots soothes her though, it’s the same look he wore when he was trying to take off her pants back in Arkadia. The ones with the funny button at the top which he always cursed at.

Yeah, things were very different back then.

‘Let’s get moving’ he decides, breaking Clarke out of her stare as he straightens himself. Picking back up the rifle that he had placed at his feet, he continues on their journey after their nights rest. His broad shoulders move as he walks, easily holding the backpack with their supplies in it. He doesn’t look to check if she’s following - maybe he can hear her footsteps as she traipses pathetically along behind him, or maybe he just doesn’t care.

The others are back at the dropship, about a days walk from where Bellamy and Clarke are now. Shaw, Murphy, Emori, Echo, Miller and Jackson - they aren’t too fond of Clarke’s presence either. She almost feels like she’s intruding on their territory, interrupting their ‘family time’ which she knows is a little ridiculous - they’re down here to do a job and that is to settle an agreement with the natives here. To find a home, to find peace.

They seem to do this job a lot and fail miserably at it, which is why she’s surprised that the task is left to Bellamy and Clarke once again.

The trees surrounding the lake are kaleidoscopes of colour, ranging from red to green. The mountains create a beautiful backdrop against the sky and the lake, white fluffy clouds grazing the tops of them - a picture that Clarke only wishes she had time to paint. It would look so beautiful on a canvas, along with the massive planet-like globe - the one with a ring around it in the middle of the blue sky, almost like a stencil drawn there by an artist themselves.

The ground, that’s always been the dream - and now, Clarke has had the opportunity of experiencing the beauty of two planets. Still, nothing she has seen is as beautiful as the man in front of her.

Bellamy Blake: he’s a different kind of dream - one that she can never obtain, it seems.

He walks with a purpose, footsteps heavy and determined as they draw closer to the civilian home that they seen from the sky. It’s on top of the main mountain ahead of them, reminding Clarke too much of Mount Weather.

‘Deja vu’ she murmurs to herself.

‘What?’ Bellamy grumbles, cocking his head to the side but not fully looking back at her.

‘Oh’ she stutters, not really expecting him to have heard her. ‘I was just thinking of the mountain, it reminds me of Mount Weather.’

‘Hope it doesn’t produce the same monsters’ he says evenly but there’s an edge to it, enough of one for Clarke to know exactly what he means. She winces, because he’s not talking about the Mountain Men or the Reapers - he’s talking about them. Dante and Cage Wallace may have done despicable things but Clarke and Bellamy did worse.

_Be the good guys._

Clarke replays Monty’s message over and over like a prayer in her head, each step in time with each word. She has to believe that they’re here to change, to live a life of peace like they never could before. They just need to convince the residents of this planet of that, prove to them that they can do it.

They walk for a good hour in absolute silence, nothing heard except for the sound of the tree barks and leaves crackling underneath their boots. The morning breeze is gone now that they’re away from the lake and the day’s heat is getting a little unbearable in the density of the trees but they soldier on - they want to make it to the city before nightfall.

‘Reminds me of the old Dropship days’ Bellamy’s voice makes Clarke’s head snap up from watching her feet. He’s still walking, eyes straight forward and his form is much the same. She thinks she’s imagined the sentence until he speaks again. ‘This part of the planet’ he clarifies as he pats a tree on his way.

Clarke glances around at the forest they’re in, so thick that they can’t see the two suns in the sky.

‘Yeah, looks kind of like it’ she replies, a little unsure. She’s afraid any wrong word from her could put a stop to the conversation.

He’s barely spoken to her at all since landing. Bellamy had seemed so normal with her before cryo, inviting her to the bridge to discuss the fate of humanity. He even told her he wasn’t mad at her for leaving him in the fighting pits and everything seemed to be put behind them. Then, after Monty’s message, they both stared out at Sanctum with their arms around one another - holding onto each other like a lifeline. It wasn’t until they got down here that everything seemed awkward again and the energy felt tense.

‘Do you ever think about it?’ He asks, a rumble in his voice that sets her skin on fire like always. ‘Life before the death wave?’

Clarke freezes, her steps halting in motion completely. Bellamy keeps on walking, unaware that she’s come to a stop. Her fingers clutch around the cold metal of her rifle to ground herself and she has to remember to breathe.

_He’s not talking about Arkadia. He’s not talking about Arkadia._

‘Sometimes’ she lies, falling back into formation.

She thinks about it too often, dreams about it - it’s basically what kept her sane for those six years on Earth by herself, besides Madi and Clarke’s radio calls to Bellamy. She knows he’s probably talking about the Dropship, how they used to herd a group of delinquents into order but she’s thinking about their other partnership, the secret one that nobody got to see except them. She wonders if he’s forgotten about all of that now.

Clarke, though, can never get the damn memories out of her mind - how Bellamy would knock gently on her door after his guard shift, how they’d spend the nights kissing and learning about each other’s bodies. How they’d talk until the daylight shone around Clarke’s room, alerting them to the fact that they’ve pulled another all-nighter.

That thing, they never spoke about it. It just happened time and time again until Clarke lost count. She was in love with Bellamy Blake long before that ever happened, but having his fingers trace the skin around her face and having his eyes look so deep into her own every night did nothing but water the process and grow it into something uncontrollable. The funny thing is, she could have sworn that he was in love with her too.

They never said the words but it felt like an obvious thing between the two of them - something that didn’t have to be said. It was a love that blossomed in adversity - in the depths of disaster and terror, bonded like steel from the experiences that lead them there.

He told her about his childhood and she told him about her dad. They shared their grief and burdens over their shortcomings, over their mistakes. The Dropship and Mount Weather, even ALIE. More than that, they spoke about their hopes for the future - a future fabricated in the minds of naive youths who had too much hope. That was before the death wave, back when they thought they actually stood a chance.

‘Me too’ he admits and Clarke suddenly wants to cry.

 _Goddamn it_ , she misses him.

Looking at him ahead of her in that moment, the way his back is to her and the way his demeanour is distant - so much has changed. It hurts her more than being separated from him for six years and that is saying something.

Seeing him kiss Echo for the first time knocked the wind out of Clarke. It shattered every molecule inside of her, the feeling vibrating through her so hard that she couldn’t catch her breath. He hadn’t waited for her - and why should he? He thought she was dead - and now he’s in love with someone else.

She wants nothing more than to hug him like before, tuck her face into his chest and feel the same security that she felt when he slept in her bed. She hadn’t really noticed the serendipitous moment back then - hadn’t appreciated it to it’s fullest extent because she never in a million years expected it to be ripped away from her. And she should have. It’s all life ever did to her.

‘You alright back there?’ He asks without physically checking. Clarke quickly wipes a stray tear that has fallen down her face and she takes a breath. She just prays her voice doesn’t shake when she utters another lie.

‘Yeah, I’m fine.’

 

-

 

The gates of Sanctum city look like something built in Polis, except with a modernised twist of 21st century Earth.

Once through, they will be allowed ascend the steep mountain to reach the man they’re looking for - some guy named Russell.

‘Weapons on the table’ a man by the name of Jakob, pretentiously pronounced ‘Yok-ub’, instructs them.

They had mispronounced his security name tag upon introduction, only to be corrected quite firmly. Clarke knew Bellamy was fighting back a smug grin after that, causing Clarke to follow suit. She had to bite the inside of her cheek to stop herself from smirking.

Jakob is waiting for them to leave all of their protection here because apparently, the city is a ‘peace zone’ where no guns or weaponry are allowed - but it’s going to be difficult for either of them to do that. Trust isn’t really in their DNA.

Clarke goes first, popping her personalised Lee-Enfield rifle and her P99 handgun down along with a couple of knives secured on her belt. There’s a concrete building behind Jakob which more than likely is their armoury. Quick as a flash, another member of the guard swipes the weapons and deposits them into the building, enclosing them into an iron locker. She better get that rifle back, she spent too long with it down on Earth - too long engraving all the names of the people she’s lost onto the handle.

Bellamy’s turn has arrived and he hesitantly drops his Mx4 rifle on the wooden table in front of him. Clarke watches his eyes, never leaving the guards and quickly darting across his surroundings. She knows some of his old traits like the back of her hand, even after a six year gap, and she knows he’s calculating the risks here.

‘All of them’ Jakob reminds him and Bellamy’s jaw ticks from the way he’s clenching it. He pulls his KP89 handgun from it’s holster on his thigh and places it on the wooden table with a thud before bending down, pulling a knife from his boot.

‘That’s it’ he bites out, annoyed at having to disarm at all. It wasn’t really the plan. Jakob merely raises an eyebrow, a silent form of communication that tells them he knows Bellamy is carrying more. Clarke furrows her own, a slight smirk forming at the corners of her lips. Is he carrying more?

Bellamy just rolls his eyes, stretching back his arms to pull out two more knives and a small box of vials containing poisonous chemicals from his belt. An arrow or a knife dipped into any one of those would be lethal.

When Jakob keeps waiting, Bellamy lets out a sigh of frustration and pulls an MP7A1, an Eligius issued gun, from the back of his jacket and Clarke lets out an audible huff of amusement. How was he even hiding that back there? It’s huge!

‘Shut up’ he warns her without looking and she merely holds her hands up, a gesture to inform him that she wasn’t about to say anything.

By the time Bellamy is finished disarming, he’s produced a small taser, two more handguns, six more knives and a very little, DIY looking bomb that has Raven Reyes’ signature all over it.

‘Think you were overly prepared’ Clarke is tonguing the inside of her cheek, an effort to stop the already obvious smirk from coming through on her expression. He just side-eyes her, the look of utter annoyance etched into every feature that Clarke just can’t help but find amusing.

‘Your bag’ Jakob commands dryly, motioning to the backpack on Bellamy’s back.

‘What, you want our food and water as well?’

‘We have food and water in the city’ Jakob holds out his hand but Bellamy just stares at him, mouth a little open in disbelief and irritation.

‘Fine’ he relents after a few long seconds and like a sullen child, he shrugs off the backpack and shoves it hard into Jakob’s hands, hard enough that Jakob has to catch himself from stumbling backwards. ‘You want my soul on a piece of paper as well?’ Bellamy grits out and Clarke has to close her eyes in case she laughs. He always did get so wound over disarming.

‘We’ll see’ Jakob retorts smartly, but gestures for them both to proceed into the city now that they’re free of anything that might harm the residents inside.

‘Finally’ Bellamy grumbles. ‘And take that smirk off your face, Princess. We have a job to do.’

Clarke’s face instantly drops because his tone has more bite in it than she was expecting. It’s the voice he used when he was thoroughly pissed off at something, used when there’s frustration and resentment in his chest. She lets her Wanheda persona fall over her once more as she follows Bellamy through the gates, bristled at his tone.

Maybe he was just annoyed at Jakob but she thinks his snap was more than that. He’s angry with her, just like she suspected on their entire journey.

 _Screw this_.

‘Hey’ she takes a couple of quicker steps to catch up with him, legs moving a little faster once she does in order to keep up his pace. ‘Hey! What’s going on?’

‘Nothing’ he bites out but she grips his forearm, ignoring the sensation of butterflies and electricity when she does so, and swings out in front of him to stop his determined walking. She’s too close to him, their proximity reminding her of their nights in Arkadia.

_Stop it, Clarke._

‘We’re going in here for peace talks, Bellamy’ she speaks up for the first time since landing. She has spent too long swimming in the hurt but her pity party for herself is over. They’re here for a job, like Bellamy said, and that job is to help her people - their people. ‘We can’t have peace if we’re at war with each other. We need to be unified and they need to see that.’

‘Forever the pragmatist’ he tries to push out past her but she blocks him.

‘You said we were good, you said you weren’t mad at me for leaving you behind.’

‘I’m not’ Bellamy says through his teeth but what bothers Clarke most is that he won’t meet her eye. He’s looking everywhere, from his feet to the sky to the mountain top behind her - but never at her.

‘Then what are you mad at?’

This grabs him, eyes snapping to hers finally - the intensity in them holding Clarke’s attention. They’re like brown leather and tough enough to match his goddamn attitude. He stares at her for what seems like a lifetime before blinking, darting them away again like he’s withholding a secret that he was considering spilling. Something she’s seen him do more than once in their time together.

‘Nothing’ he breathes, more a sigh than anything else. ‘Let’s just get this done.’

Clarke lets him pass her when he tries this time, shoulders brushing shoulders as he goes. She drops her head back on her neck, letting her eyes close as they face they blue sky above. Her short, blonde hair scrapes the tips of her shoulders when she straightens, trying to control herself as best she can.

Her heart is thumping and she lets out a breath she didn’t realise she was holding - this is the problem with her still being in love with him, he has the ability to break her heart without even trying.

 

-

 

‘Welcome to Sanctum.’

Russell is a leader - Clarke knew it from first glance. When they were lead into the main building of the city, he stood on a height like he was already trying to emit his power. He’s handsome, slender and of average height, dressed in a high neck fabric which has intricate details of gold stitching around the collar. He looks young for someone who has grey hair dusted onto his head and beard and his eyes are light, kind to the inexperienced.

Clarke knows there’s more to him than that though, she’s faced too many leaders to be fooled by a charming smile. He has to be tactical, smart and strong to rule a place like this - so she weighs up every word he speaks very carefully.

‘Who do I have the pleasure of hosting?’ He smiles again and Clarke flicks her eyes to Bellamy who is staring up at Russell with an unreadable look on his face.

‘I’m Clarke Griffin’ her voice comes out strong and confident, even if she doesn’t feel like that. She’d feel more focused if Bellamy hadn’t distracted her with his snarky attitude on the walk up here. All the same, she sticks close to him - an old habit they automatically fall back into, as if they haven’t spent years apart, as if they haven’t been arguing and off with one another since landing on this damn place. ‘And this is Bellamy Blake. We’re seeking refuge, a home here on this planet for our people.’

‘Is that so?’ Russell steps down from his balcony. What she said was obvious - if they were here for war, it would have already begun. ‘And what happened to your old home?’ He asks when he’s a few feet away from them.

He’s wary and so he should be - if Clarke were in his position, she’d be wondering to what extent would these newcomers go to in order to have a home. Scratch that, she was in his position - what extent were Eligius going to go to in order to have Eden?

‘It was destroyed’ Bellamy’s voice echoes a little in the marble room. The guards form a line behind Russell and his advisors - their eyes are on Bellamy, studying him for any indication of a threat. His body language screams ‘dangerous’ right now. He’s tense, straight and already looking too on edge when nothing has happened yet.

Clarke presses her elbow against him in an effort to steady him but it only seems to unnerve him more.

She can see their reflection in the mirrored wall behind Russell and his guards. Clarke is much shorter than Bellamy, but their differences seem to complement each other. Bellamy’s dark hair compared to Clarke’s blonde, his passionate and furious expression versus her confident and stoic one.

From meeting leaders time and time again, Clarke has actually never met a pair of them. There is always one in power more than the other but she thinks that Bellamy and her have the title down to a fine art.

They share the authority, allowing one of them to rise when the other falls - the heart and the head.

They stand side by side and it discharges power, expels a vision of unparalleled and undoubtable support. They’re equals sharing a silent promise to always be there for one another and she thinks it’s evident in the way they face Russell today.

Even if it’s not how it is in their personal life, their professional stance stands strong and she’s glad Bellamy hasn’t let whatever he’s holding onto affect it - it wouldn’t look good to appear fragile with one another.

‘Destroyed?’ Russell repeats, tilting his head a little to the side with an air of cockiness in his tone - like he already knows exactly what happened to it. ‘By what?’

‘Monsters’ Bellamy replies after a beat and Clarke’s entire form locks up. It’s a brutal kickback to their conversation in the forest, a nod to the fact that Mount Weather turned them into that. Maybe that’s not the part that twists Clarke’s stomach into a knot, though. Maybe it’s the fact that they had become monsters long before the Mountain.

 _The decisions you make just whittle you down, piece by piece_. Jaha had told her that once.

‘I see’ Russell says simply. ‘I am become death.’

Clarke and Bellamy’s heads snap up at the same time, the sentence resonating with them in their very souls. She can almost smell the campfire, feel Bellamy at her back, taste the blood on her lips as she watches Raven’s bomb explode the bridge to stop the Grounders from attacking.

‘Destroyer of worlds’ she murmurs and Russell gives out a small smile, satisfied that she understood the reference, it seems.

‘You see, Clarke, we don’t want any Oppenheimer's here.’

‘We just want peace.’

‘And we just want honesty’ Russell replies. ‘That is the key.’

Clarke looks to Bellamy like always and draws strength from him. The funny thing is, he looks to her too. He doesn’t turn his head fully but he meets her eye for a quick moment before averting his attention back to Russell.

‘Honesty?’ He asks, voice rough and husky in true Bellamy Blake fashion. Russell studies Bellamy for a few seconds, almost like he’s considering speaking more. Instead, he nods at a guard by the door and extends out his arms.

‘You can stay here tonight’ he tells them. ‘We will talk more after a good rest, it will give us all time to process things.’

‘Are we prisoners?’ Bellamy asks, on the mark as quick as anything. He doesn’t miss a beat. At that moment, the guard approaching outstretches his arm - maybe more to guide Clarke to her place of residence for the night but Bellamy is on the mark with that too. ‘ _Don’t_ touch her’ he warns. He doesn’t even have to elevate his voice for the instruction to be effective because the guard takes a step back, wary.

Clarke’s heart jumps a little at the vague recognition that somewhere in there, Bellamy still cares about her.

‘No,’ Russell gives him a smile, obviously amused with Bellamy’s protective streak. ‘You’re not prisoners.’ His tone is genuine and it seems to satisfy them enough to relax their shoulders a little. ‘Rest. We will talk when things are clearer.’

 

-

 

Clarke’s room is pretty basic and it reminds her of her time spent in Polis. There are no animal skins on the bed and the smells are different but there’s something about being isolated again, away from her people, that brings the memories right back.

The suns have set in Sanctum and the night is beautiful. From her balcony, she can hear the fields and trees come alive with wildlife and bugs - whatever type they are on this planet. There’s no hustle from the city below so other than the nature, it’s uncomfortably quiet. She has been pacing for the last hour, re-running Russell’s words over and over in her mind.

Maybe things will be clearer in the morning when he makes a decision on whether they can live alongside these people or not.

Bellamy’s gentle knock on her door makes her jump, the one that is so quintessentially his that she knows it from the offset. She’s heard it too often against her room door in Arkadia.

‘Yes?’ she calls out, pulling her leather jacket around her. The guards had given her a robe and some softer clothes to sleep in but she can’t bring herself to get comfortable here. No, they’re here for a job. That’s it.

The door creaks and Bellamy’s dark, messy curls pop around the door. Clarke automatically feels more at ease with his presence but she can’t help the way her heart clenches at his appearance. It’s unfair for him to always look so good.

‘Hey’ he says quietly but his body language is all action, like he’s prepared for a fight at any second. Maybe that’s the way he is around her now. ‘Can I come in?’

Clarke nods, unable to form words. It’s like he breaks her heart every time she sees him without even knowing it. All she wants to do is kiss him, hug him - hell, she’d even take a civil handshake at this point.

‘Thought you’d be asleep’ he says when he closes the door behind him. His hand ghosts over his thigh holster, clearly missing his weapon there.

‘Like you’re sleeping?’ Clarke continues pacing, her arms folded across herself.

‘Fair point’ he comes further into the room, picking up some decor item from a dressing table by the wall like he’s trying to keep his hands busy. ‘I think it went well enough today.’

‘Sure’ Clarke agrees. ‘I mean, some unwarranted posturing - but that’s the way in any negotiation’ she shrugs, the lighthearted jest out of her mouth before she really assesses the situation between them. Luckily, Bellamy smirks and Clarke feels a glimmer of pride for making that happen.

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about, Princess’ he scoffs. ‘I was perfectly diplomatic.’

‘Like you were in Polis?’ She grins, already anticipating the response she knows is coming.

‘I think you’ll find that it was you telling Indra’s associates to get lost.’

She opens her mouth in false hurt as she stops mid-pace for dramatic effect, looking at him like he’s just suggested they go strangle some newborn kittens for the hell of it.

‘Me? Never!’

Bellamy actually laughs and damn, the sound ignites something in Clarke’s chest. She giggles too, relishing in the light atmosphere between the two of them. It doesn’t last, though. She can literally feel the tension returning with the fall of Bellamy’s expression, like he’s remembered the exact reason why things can’t be like this anymore.

She wants him to crawl into the bed with her, hold her like before and reassure her that Russell will let them stay, that they’ll come to some agreement in the morning. But the question is too big to ask, too intense for what they are now. They’re not lovers, not really even friends anymore. They’re partners with a job to do, leaders maybe - exes? Yeah, that word seems to fit.

‘Do you miss the others?’ She asks because she has to say something, the silence has gotten too thick and uncomfortable to the point where she can barely breathe. She’s thinking of Madi a lot, so it seems like an appropriate question. ’It must be hard being away from Echo.’

Bellamy just stares at his feet, quiet for a moment too long and Clarke wonders if he doesn’t want to hurt her with his response, doesn’t want to rub salt into the wound over the fact that he’s with someone else now.

‘Yeah’ he says eventually.

‘She’s good for you’ she admits painfully. She told Echo as much back on Earth and she genuinely believes it. Even though it’s not with her, Clarke is glad that Bellamy is happy and she wants him to know that.

‘Clarke’ Bellamy lifts his head, voice soft and eyes much the same. He opens his mouth like he wants to say something to her but closes it just as quick. She watches him shake his head, curls moving slightly with it before he flicks his eyes back to the ground. ‘I’ll see you in the morning.’

With that, he turns on his heel and walks out, the door slamming behind him. The noise rattles Clarke’s bones to the point that she has to fall back against her bed, letting it take the weight off her legs. She misses him and he’s just left the room.

They’ve lost so much and even though she’s glad he’s with someone that deserves him, she can’t help the way her heart aches for him. A flash of Arkadia flies through her mind and normally, she can catch herself and push it away but this time, she just lets herself indulge in it as if she likes the pain it brings.

 

_‘You’re so beautiful’ Bellamy whispers, tracing a finger down her jawline._

_His curls are in disarray from their prior activity, his skin tone dark against her own as she lies over his torso. The warmth from his bare chest transpires into her own as she props her chin against it. There’s something so intimate about being with him like this, their naked bodies pressed together as if they can’t get close enough._

_‘You’re delusional’ she smirks and he returns one of his own._

_The morning light has just started to peak in through her room window and even though every single room in the Ark looks the same, she’s added her own stamp to this place over time. There are drawings and sketches stuck to the wall over Bellamy’s head, books that he’s loaned her are on her nightstand unread because he keeps distracting her and for the first time, here with him, this place feels like home._

_‘I’m not’ he stares at her like he can’t absorb the entirety of her quick enough. His breathing has evened out from how strenuous it was about ten minutes ago and he’s fully serious, like his words are weighted with this air of honesty that can’t be argued with. ‘Most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.’_

_‘Would you still feel like that if we weren’t sleeping together?’ Clarke asks cheekily, trying to keep the conversation light because she doesn’t know what she’ll admit to him if he keeps being intense with her._

_‘I felt like this since the moment we met.’_

_For some reason, Clarke gets the feeling he isn’t talking about her beauty anymore and her smile fades, heart thumping so hard against her chest that he must be able to feel it against his own. She wants to know what he means, wants what she thinks he means to be true. He tips her chin up with his thumb and leans in, kissing her softly but intensely._

_‘Clarke’ he breathes against her lips, clearly about to say something else but a loud banging interrupts them._

_‘Clarke, I thought we were meeting to discuss plans about retrieving this hydro-generator from the Ice Nation?’ Monty’s voice comes through the door._

_Clarke lets out the breath she was holding, dropping her forehead to Bellamy’s bare chest. He sighs through his nose, clearly knowing the moment between them is definitely gone._

_‘Coming’ she replies._

_Time to emerge from their little bubble once more - there are lives to be saved._

 

Clarke lets out a shaky breath as she breaks away from the memory. It was so long ago but it’s so fresh, she can taste it.  _Damn it_ \- she’d give anything for that again, anything to erase this distance between them now.

Cupping her face in her hands, she wills the tears not to come.

Unsurprisingly, they do anyway.

 

-

 

Clarke must have drifted off and when she wakes, she expects to feel the warmth and softness of the blankets on the bed in Sanctum city. Instead, the first thing she notices is the breeze on her face. The next is the uncomfortable sleeping bag that seems to be laid over gravel.

_What?_

The sound of water is in her ears, the gentle lapping of waves at a shore and so, Clarke’s eyes snap open. She shoots up from her position on the ground, staring out at the lake where they woke up yesterday.

Bellamy is across from her, up already and packing his sleeping bag into his backpack. Their weapons are exactly where they left them last night and she spends so much time staring at him in utter confusion and disbelief that by the time he’s finished tying his boots, she’s not even packed yet.

‘Let’s get moving’ he tells her as he straightens himself and Clarke almost chokes.

‘What the hell is going on?’

Bellamy looks at her funny as he picks up his rifle by his feet, like maybe she’s gone mad. Clarke jumps up, still fully dressed from the night before and she glances around the place.

This happened yesterday, they were in the city last night awaiting Russell’s decision this morning - why the hell are they back here?

‘Are you alright?’ Bellamy frowns, concern all over his expression.

‘I…’ she goes about explaining but she stops herself, maybe she had dreamt yesterday? Is that possible? It seemed so vivid, so real. ‘I’m fine’ she settles with, maybe to hide her seemingly insane realisation.

‘Okay’ Bellamy furrows his brow. ‘Well - hurry up, we need to start walking.’

Clarke busies herself by packing away her sleeping bag and pulling on her boots, arming up as Bellamy waits restlessly for her. He’s pacing, anxious to make tracks but Clarke can’t stop thinking of everything yesterday. If it even was yesterday. The pain she felt last night - it wasn’t something that could be dreamt. She has enough sense and logic to know that something is going on here, something that can’t be explained right now.

The crisp morning breeze hits her like a slap in the face when she starts walking after Bellamy, sudden and rousing - kind of like the way her fingers would burn if she got too close to the fire at their old Dropship camp. It feels exactly how it did yesterday and maybe that’s how Clarke knows that it wasn’t a dream at all.

 

-

 

Clarke can’t seem to figure it out - how is this possible?

She watches her footsteps lead her through the exact same forest as yesterday, turning the same turns, stepping over the same branches.

She’s examining every possible reason she can think of - maybe yesterday was just a dream? Maybe she’s just having a serious case of deja vu? Maybe-

‘Reminds me of the old Dropship days’ Bellamy interrupts her train of thought and Clarke freezes, stopping in her tracks as she stares at the ground. She’s not imagining this, _he said this yesterday_. ‘This part of the planet’ the next sentence comes and she knows without even looking up that he’s patting a tree.

‘Bellamy’ her voice is rattled when she says his name and he must hear it because he stops, realising that she’s not following him.

She has to lean against a tree because she’s feeling dizzy and her breathing is erratic - something is wrong. This is some kind of time loop - or else she’s going insane. There’s no way she dreamt this exact day.

Bellamy has approached her without her even hearing him, maybe because her heartbeat is pounding too loud in her ears.

‘Hey’ he says softly. ‘Hey, you doing alright?’

He’s right in front of her, unscrewing a small canister of water so that she can take a drink. She’s takes it from him without meeting his eye and without answering his question either.

No, she’s definitely not alright. How the hell could this be happening?

The realisation hits her quicker than the cold water hits her stomach and she stops, glancing down at the canister between her fingers.

‘The water’ she breathes.

‘What?’

‘We gave up our backpacks at the gate yesterday, they supplied our water all night.’

Damn it, how could she be so stupid? The people here have technology, higher than theirs ever was. Clarke and the others have no idea about the resources on this planet and she has no idea how they’ve learned to construct time but this has to be it. She’s not dreaming and this definitely doesn’t seem like a simulation - everything is real, they’re just reliving it again.

But why?

‘ _Clarke_!’ Bellamy calls her and she realises he’s been calling her name for the last few seconds. Her eyes snap to meet his, finding them worried and confused. ‘I think you should sit down, you’re not making any sense.’

‘Bellamy, I know this sounds insane but just listen’ she talks quickly, like the way Madi would ramble at her after finding some new animal in Eden. ‘We’ve lived this day yesterday.’

Bellamy twitches his head back a bit and he’s looking at her like she’s lost her mind. There are beads of sweat on his temple and his hair is heavy from the humidity, curls dusting the tops of his eyebrows.

‘I think you’ve had too much sun.’

‘No, listen to me! You have to believe me. I think we’re in some sort of time loop.’

Bellamy just stares at her for a long moment, eyes darting across her features like he’s trying to figure her out. Then, he just turns on his heel and walks away from her.

‘Bellamy!’

‘Clarke, we don’t have time for this. We need to get to the city before nightfall’ he doesn’t look back at her but she follows along behind him, trying to keep up like some lost dog.

‘No, we’ve already been to the city - that’s what I’m telling you. We meet their leader and he-’

‘Clarke!’ He snaps himself around. ‘I don’t know what this is, whether you’ve spent too much time alone or what’ he shakes his head at her. ‘But we have a job to do, our people need us. So cut the crap and let’s go.’

Clarke feels like she’s just been slapped. Too much time alone? He really thinks she’s lost herself after six years on Earth with just a child to talk to? He leaves her there, stuck to the forest floor until she can gather herself enough to speak.

‘Do you ever think about it?’ She calls after him and he stops. ‘Life before the death wave?’

It’s an exact repeat of his words from yesterday and she knows that’s what would have came next out of his mouth if she hadn’t interrupted him. He knows it too, judging by the way he’s stiffening. After a few seconds, he just continues walking.

Fine - he can ignore this all he wants but she knows she’s right, and soon, he will too.

 

-

 

The rest of the day plays out much like Clarke thought it would.

Jakob instructs them to place their weapons on the table, Clarke does as she’s told and Bellamy dicks around by not handing up all of his straight away. Except this time, Clarke can’t find the situation amusing - she’s too busy trying to work out how they fell into this time loop and how they’re going to get out of it. She didn’t think it was possible but really, there’s so much she doesn’t know. They’re on a different planet and who knows what possibilities are here?

‘What, you want our food and water as well?’ She hears Bellamy ask and her attention bounces straight back.

‘We’re keeping our own food and water’ she says strictly and Bellamy’s head turns to her. It’s the first time she’s spoken since the forest.

‘We keep everything’ Jakob says simply. ‘We have food and water in the city.’

‘I don’t care’ Clarke tells him. ‘We want our own.’

‘No entry then.’

Man, this Jakob guy is irritating. Bellamy, after a nod of approval from Clarke, hands the backpack over and she follows suit with her own. They really don’t have much choice.

‘You want my soul on a piece of paper as well?’ She asks Jakob but is staring straight at Bellamy when she does so. He goes rigid, eyes widening as he watches her walk right past him and through the gates.

‘Hey’ he catches up with her after a few moments, now his turn to follow her pathetically. ‘How did you…’

‘How did I know you were going to say that?’ Clarke cuts him off. ‘Because you said it yesterday as well - I told you, we’re in a time loop’ she finishes, irritated that it’s taken the long to get his goddamn respect on this matter. She stops on their ascent uphill and faces him, the path underneath their feet steady despite the shake of anger in her body. ‘You should have at least heard me out instead of writing me off as crazy, Bellamy. I might have spent six years by myself but I held it together. And maybe don’t throw that in my face, considering you’re the one who left me that way.’

It’s a low blow. She regrets it the second she’s taken two steps away from him. He doesn’t follow and when she turns to check on him, his face is solemn. There’s a hurt there that she has never seen before, a softness to his expression as if she’s really broken him. She exhales a deep breath, angry with herself now more than him.

‘I’m sorry’ she stops walking once more, scrubbing her face with her hand as she closes her eyes. ‘That wasn’t fair.’

‘Yeah’ he puts his hands on his hips as if to steady himself. ‘It was.’

Clarke bites her bottom lip, her chest heavy with the guilt of what she just said. She wanted him to leave her on Earth - it was the only way they’d survive. She shouldn’t have said it.

‘I’m sorry I didn’t listen. Tell me about this time loop theory’ he meets her eye and for the first time in a long time, Clarke thinks she can actually see the old Bellamy there - one that isn’t all brick walls and closed off doors towards her.

‘First, tell me what you’re mad at’ she asks him again, just like yesterday. They can’t solve anything together if he’s holding onto things. Bellamy doesn’t break his stare, the same look in his eye as yesterday. He’s clearly considering telling her - but he doesn’t.

‘Nothing’ he shrugs. ‘Just tell me about the time loop.’

Clarke sighs, closing her eyes momentarily. She hates this distance between them, hates that he can’t seem to trust her anymore. What she hates even more is that she caught glimpses of _her_ Bellamy back on Earth when they reunited - when he hugged her after saving her from Diyoza, when they talked by the campfire, when he was in her tent before Octavia arrested her - yeah, they were the normal, delicate moments she was used to with him. Not this - not this cold demeanour where he can’t even tell her what’s bothering him.

She turns and starts walking up towards the city, shoving those thoughts to the back of her mind. They’ll just have to figure a way out of this time loop as best they can and work together the way they are now.

Bellamy follows close behind her and so, she begins telling him everything.

 

-

 

‘Welcome to Sanctum.’

Clarke glares at Russell standing above her on top of a set of stairs. If anything, he knows what he’s done to them. He gives the orders around here, nothing gets by him.

‘Who do I have the pleasure of hosting?’ He smiles and Clarke answers him, the conversation flowing the exact way it did yesterday until Clarke can’t take it anymore.

‘I see. I am become death.’

‘Destroyer of worlds’ she bites out the reply and from the corner of her eye, she sees Bellamy’s head snap towards her. When she looks at him, there’s a look in his eye like he’s aware - awakened to the fact that they’ve lived this day already. She already told him everything on the way up but it's like now is the first time it's actually clicking with him, like he actually remembers.

‘Why are you doing this?’ Bellamy asks suddenly and it’s so off script that Clarke’s teeth clench - shit, this wasn’t the plan. They were just meant to come in here, replay the conversation the way it went yesterday and figure this entire thing out when they were sent to their rooms. There had to be some way to break the time loop and she had a feeling the secret lay in their conversation with Russell.

‘What do you mean?’ Russell asks, brow furrowed a little but not too much - this son of a bitch knows exactly what they’re talking about.

‘You know what I mean’ Bellamy says seriously, in a voice that can only be labelled as his ‘King’s voice’ - used when he demands the attention of the room, expects the respect that comes with his authority. ‘Today, we’ve…we’ve done this before. And you know it.’

‘We don’t want any Oppenheimer’s here’ he replies and Clarke realises that Russell wants to continue with yesterdays script - that’s why he’s ignoring Bellamy’s outburst.

‘Hey, I asked you a question!’ Bellamy booms.

‘We just want peace’ Clarke repeats her sentence from yesterday, her voice smaller than intended.

‘And we just want honesty’ Russell replies. ‘That is the key.’

Clarke and Bellamy meet each other’s eyes dead on. _Honesty_.

‘We _have_ been honest’ Clarke rushes out but Russell has already nodded to the guard from yesterday’s scenario.

‘You can stay here tonight. We will talk more after a good rest, it will give us all time to process things.’

‘We’ve been honest!’ Bellamy steps forward towards Russell but the guards behind him straighten, making it very obvious that they will not hesitate to act if he moves further.

‘Rest. We will talk when things are clearer’ Russell walks away, leaving them both to be guided to their rooms by the guard - frustrated as hell that nothing they’ve said has changed things.

 

-

 

‘It was when he quoted Oppenheimer. It all came back with a bang’ Bellamy is saying as he paces around Clarke’s room. ‘I thought things seemed familiar throughout the day but I just played it off as deja vu.’

‘We can’t drink any of the water or eat anything’ Clarke is rubbing her temples from her seated position on the bed, stressed to the max.

‘I don’t think it matters. The time loop might keep happening now until we get it right.’

‘How the hell are we supposed to get it exactly right? Correct enough to break us out of it altogether?’ Clarke groans. This is so messed up.

‘By being honest’ Bellamy replies, still pacing - a sure sign he’s stressed out as well. ‘We’ve lied a lot today. We were ambiguous with our answers to Russell, I wouldn’t hand up all my weapons at the gate - if we wake up in a loop tomorrow, we’ll just be honest. It will be fine’ he assures her but it feels like he's just trying to convince himself.

‘And what if you don’t remember tomorrow?’

The thought scares her. She doesn’t really want to try and convince him again because by the time she does, he’s already lied his way through the gates.

‘I knew something was wrong when I woke up this morning, I just brushed it off. It’s easy to ignore what you think is impossible’ he shakes his head. ‘Damn it. Are the others in this time loop as well?’

‘I don’t know enough about stuff like this’ Clarke admits, glancing up at him. ‘Raven would probably know.’

Bellamy strides over, collapsing on the bed beside her on his back. He brings his hands up to cover his face, letting out a groan behind his fingers.

‘Do you miss them?’ She finds herself absentmindedly repeating another question from yesterday. ‘I miss Madi.’

Bellamy waits a beat before answering, sitting up so he’s shoulder to shoulder with her. Her skin feels on fire having him this close - but it’s not close enough. It’s not the way she wants to be with him, not when she was so used to being so comfortable with him once upon a time.

‘Yeah. I miss them.’

‘It’s hard, being away from the person that you love’ it’s out of Clarke’s mouth before she can catch herself and Bellamy’s eyes snap to hers. She freezes for a second, wondering if he knows she’s talking about him. She spent six years without him but he must figure that she’s talking about Lexa because he looks away again just as quick.

‘She’s good for you’ Clarke tells him again. ‘I meant what I said yesterday.’

‘I think we should go to bed’ is all he replies, pushing himself up like he can’t get out of her room fast enough. ‘If we loop again, I’ll see you at the beach.’ He gives her one final look before closing the door behind him and Clarke is alone in this goddamn room once more, willing the tears not to come.

 

-

 

Breeze on her face, uncomfortable sleeping bag on small pebbles, the sound of water in her ears as the waves kiss the shore.

Clarke’s eyelids flutter open and she already knows they’re in a loop. _Damn it_.

‘Good morning, day three’ she hears Bellamy’s voice and when she looks at him, he’s already packed and ready to go. Her heart is soaring though because at least he remembers.

‘You know we’re in a loop?’ She has to clarify anyway.

‘Can’t deny it this morning’ he shrugs, tightly holding the rifle between his fingers. ‘Come on, let’s get this over with.’

Clarke takes a deep breath and rises, determined to break it today. They’re going to be honest with the people of Sanctum all day, no matter what it takes.

By the time they’ve reached the gates, Bellamy has half disarmed already - without even being asked. He tosses all his guns and other forms of weaponry onto the table before Clarke can even pull the knives from her belt. He then hands over his backpack without argument and Jakob just raises an eyebrow, a little confused about why strangers would be so forthcoming, why they’d happily hand over their weapons so quickly.

‘Thank you’ he says with an air of surprise. ‘Proceed.’

Russell is next in line and Bellamy and Clarke let him greet them, introduce themselves and wait for the questions.

‘Is that so?’ Russell responds to their request of seeking refuge and a home on Sanctum. ‘And what happened to your old home?’

‘It was destroyed’ Bellamy tells him without hesitation. That statement is completely honest.

‘Destroyed?’ Russell repeats, tilting his head like he did yesterday and the day before. ‘By what?’

‘Us’ Bellamy changes his answer this time, no ambiguous response about monsters. ‘We let war and distrust turn us into something we never meant to become.’

_Truth._

‘We were sent down from space to test the Earth for survival - we fought with and killed the natives down there, the Grounders. We committed genocide, killed an entire civilisation living in a sealed mountain.’

_Truth._

Bellamy swallows, clearly finding admitting this hard. Clarke can only stare at the ground, can’t even look at his face or check Russell’s expression to see what he thinks of this because when it’s said out loud, she’s not sure they even deserve a chance to live on this planet.

‘We killed our own people, left them to die in a wave of radiation and selected who got to live in an underground bunker.’ Bellamy’s breathing is getting uneven and so, Clarke reaches across to brush the back of her hand against her own. It doesn’t seem to steady him though because with his next sentence, his voice shakes. ‘I left Clarke behind on a radiation soaked planet so that we could live.’

It knocks her to hear the pain in his voice and crushes her heart with the heaviness on her chest. She can’t help herself when she curls her fingers around his hand, gripping it tightly. He clutches it back as if for strength, squeezing as if fearing that she’ll let go.

‘And when we came back down, we did it all over again. War, choosing who got to live and die and fighting for land.’

‘I see’ Russell raises his eyebrows. ‘I am become death.’

Clarke closes her eyes, disappointed at the repeated response. Maybe she was expecting something different, something to signify that they have broken the loop.

‘Destroyer of worlds’ she whispers and Bellamy gives her hand another squeeze.

‘We don’t want any Oppenheimer’s here’ Russell tells them.

‘We just want peace’ Clarke says more forceful this time, agitated from having said it twice before. _Damn it_.

‘And we just want honesty’ Russell tells her. ‘That is the key.’

‘There’s nothing else to say! We’ve told you everything, we haven’t lied!’ Bellamy explodes.

It’s the first time in a long time that Clarke has heard Bellamy yell, witnessed him lose control in such a manner.

‘You can stay here tonight. We will talk more after a good rest, it will give us all time to process things.’

‘No! Don’t you dare walk away from us’ Bellamy starts following after Russell but the guards intercept him. ‘Tell us how to break the loop’ he shouts, wild and feral like he can’t take this anymore. Clarke has her hand over her mouth, feeling the strength leaving her body. He has been so controlled since arriving back on Earth, so logical since taking her advice on using his head more than his heart - but this is all roaring passion, raw emotion, complete frustration.

‘Rest. We will talk when things are clearer’ Russell’s voice is even and unfazed by Bellamy’s outburst and he doesn’t even give them a second glance as he walks away. The guards can barely hold Bellamy back as he thrashes, desperate to get free from their grasp in order to follow Russell.

‘You’re dead! I’ll kill you myself!’ He’s screaming and Clarke just drops to her knees on the tiled floor below her, letting the cold of it grasp her in it’s talons. ‘Do you hear me?’ Bellamy roars. ‘I’ll kill you!’

 

-

 

Neither of them have spoken since being lead to their rooms.

Bellamy joined her soon after in her one, just like he’s done the last two days. He just came in and lay down beside Clarke on her bed, silent in every action since his screaming show with Russell.

Clarke is facing him, both lying on their soft pillows as they stare at one another. Normally, they actively avoid this kind of intimacy and advert their stares the second one of them catches the other one looking. Now, though, exhaustion seems to have gripped them and maybe a little despair because the care about something as trivial as being caught gazing is gone.

Clarke, for the first time since Arkadia, let’s herself really focus on every tiny feature: the scar above his lip, the way his freckles dance across his nose, the rich brown of his eyes that melt her every goddamn time.

He seems to be doing the same with her. Maybe this is their fate - to admit their wrong doings day in day out and never be acquitted for them. At least she gets to do it with him. There could be worse time loops out there than getting to live the same day with Bellamy Blake.

When Bellamy finally talks, his voice is a little hoarse.

‘I think it went well enough today.’

Clarke closes her eyes momentarily as a soft smile creeps onto her face.

‘Sure’ she agrees. ‘I mean, some unwarranted posturing - but that’s the way in any negotiation.’

Bellamy chuckles and God, the sound is the best thing that Clarke has heard all day. Her heart stops in her chest when he reaches out, gently tucking a lock of her blonde hair behind her ear. The action is so delicate and tender that it strikes nostalgia for their time as lovers in Arkadia and Clarke's breathing hitches.

He must realise his slip up because his hand retreats quickly from her face and his eyes flick away from hers.

‘If it doesn’t work, we’ll try again tomorrow. There has to be something we’re missing’ he says, about to get up to return to his own room but Clarke grabs his arm. He pauses, eyes darting down to where her fingers curl around his forearm.

‘Don’t go’ she begs, hating how desperate her voice sounds. It’s unfair to ask this of him - there’s so much water under the bridge between them and he’s with Echo now but to his credit, he lies back down.

The room is starting to get dark but Clarke keeps her eyes on him until she can’t make out much of his features anymore, until she can’t stop her lids becoming heavy.

‘Do you miss the others?’ She mumbles tiredly.

‘Yeah’ he replies after a beat, his voice just as groggy with sleep as hers is.

‘She’s good for you.’

She doesn’t know why she says it, doesn’t know why she feels like she has to tell him this every day - maybe she wants him to know that she’s okay with all of it. It kills her, breaks her heart every time she thinks of them together but if this is what he’s mad about or hating himself over, then she wants to relieve him of that.

‘I’ll see you at the beach’ he repeats his sentence from yesterday and Clarke doesn’t even try to stop the tear falling that has escaped from her eye.

She lets sleep take her, thinking of another beach that the two of them stood on all those years ago - forgiving and holding each other like nothing else in the world mattered but them.

 

-

 

By the fifth loop, Clarke feels like she’s going insane.

Their day goes exactly how it has every other time - wake up, walk through the forest, hand up their weapons without encouragement, speak with Russell, go to their rooms.

The only thing that has changed now is that Bellamy sleeps beside her when they’re falling asleep and it’s getting to the point that Clarke is counting the minutes away until that can happen. It’s exhausting and they’re at their wits end - nothing is working and if ‘honesty is the key’, then they should be well out of the time loop by now.

‘Reminds me of the old Dropship days’ Bellamy sighs, repeating the sentence as more of a joke now than anything else as they walk through the forest. ‘This part of the planet.’

‘Yeah, looks kind of like it’ Clarke plays along, maybe just to keep herself sane.

‘Do you ever think about it? Life before the death wave?’ His next sentence comes, his tone bored with it. Clarke is about to automatically give her ‘sometimes’ answer when she pauses, the realisation hitting her like a tonne of bricks.

She’s been lying.

She thinks about it all the time - she thinks about Arkadia and the time she spent with Bellamy there, she re-runs so much of their interactions before the death wave that it’s almost laughable to her to realise that she’s been lying in every single loop that this has been asked.

‘Oh my god’ she breathes and Bellamy swings around, his rifle ready in case something is wrong.

‘What?’ He asks, a little panic in his voice.

‘I think about it all the time’ she replies, lifting her head. Bellamy frowns, puzzled by her change of answer all of a sudden. ‘I think about life before the death wave all the time, Bellamy!’

‘Okay…’ he says warily, eyeing her like she’s just declared herself to be a flying two-headed deer. 'And that is so life changing because...?'

‘I’ve been lying’ she almost chokes out the realisation and then Bellamy’s face changes, understanding flooding his features.

‘Shit’ he breathes, eyes darting as if remembering other interactions between the two of them.

‘Russell wants us to be honest but that’s not just contained to him and his people, it’s with each other as well.’

Bellamy walks a few steps so that he’s standing in front of her, the sweat from the days heat on his temple. This is all making so much sense now.

‘So we can’t live on this goddamn planet unless we’re all honest with one another? How is that going to be possible when we have a massive container of prisoners in cryo up there?’ Bellamy points to the sky. She sees his trepidation - how would they make sure everyone would be honest on this planet?

‘Maybe it’s just initially, so that Russell knows he can trust us - it’s a test.’

‘Maybe’ Bellamy agrees, adjusting the rifle in his hands. ‘And as you said before any of the loops started, we can’t have peace if we’re at war with each other.’

Clarke smiles at the fact that he remembered that and hope flutters in her chest for the first time in days. They might actually have figured a way out.

‘Okay - so we just replay our conversations from the first time, stay honest and play out the day like we have been’ she decides and Bellamy nods in agreement.

‘I think about it all the time too’ he admits after a beat. ‘Life before the death wave.’

Clarke wants to ask him what he means, wants him to tell her that he misses her and misses their time in Arkadia - but just because that’s what Clarke wants to be true doesn’t mean it is.

‘You asked me if I was alright after that and I lied, I said I was fine when I wasn’t. Things were hard when we lived in the Dropship camp and we went through more problems back in Arkadia than anywhere else - but I miss it. And I’d give anything to go back.’

She has to look away because looking right at him is too overwhelming, it’s too much to see the sadness in his eyes.

‘I would too, Clarke.’

The weight of that sentence floors her and she’s dying to reach for him, so for the sake of being honest with her actions as well, she does. She envelopes him in a hug, throwing her arms around his neck as she presses her body against him. For a split second, she thinks he won’t return it - much like the time she hugged him when she returned from Mount Weather, but he does. His strong arms close around her waist and he tucks his head into her neck like he always did.

‘We got this’ he murmurs against her skin, flicking the switch that activates her goosebumps. Her heart is belting in her chest, the intimacy of having him this close throwing her.

‘We got this’ she repeats the mantra and they stay like that, holding each other until both of them can breathe easy again.

Tomorrow, things might actually change and this time loop will finally be over.

 

-

 

They go through the motions - weapons on the table without holding back anything and pass through the city gates with ease.

They’re halfway up the mountain path, watching multi-coloured butterflies land on the flowers in the grass around them when she remembers what conversation was started in this area.

‘What’s going on with you?’ She asks him.

‘What?’ Bellamy scratches his beard, probably not even thinking about their first interaction here.

‘The first day, I asked you what was going on because you were on edge with me. You told me nothing but that was a lie, right?’

Bellamy sighs, eyes closing as he ruffles a hand though his curls.

‘Right.’

‘So, what’s going on? You said we were good, you said you weren’t mad at me for Polis.’

‘I’m not’ he admits easily, stopping in their ascent and so Clarke halts along with him. He’s shifting on his feet, a clear sign that he’s uncomfortable with the honesty that will have to come from this conversation.

‘Then what are you mad at?’

‘Myself’ he says after a long second, meeting her eye. ‘There are times when it feels like the old us, you know? The first day, when you were joking around with me back there about not handing up my weapons and you were smirking at me - I just felt like it was like before.’

‘And that makes you angry?’

‘Yeah, because we’re not the old us, Clarke.’

The words hurt her more than she anticipated and he knows it. He shakes his head, a softness to his features. It’s obvious that he didn’t want to tell her this because he knew it would hurt her.

‘Too much has happened and I hate it, I hate that I can’t ignore it and I hate that I can’t forget it, not yet. And so, I’m angry with myself for not being able to just let things be the way they were.’

The suns create harsh shadows across his face and Clarke lets herself follow the lines, desperate to ground herself after that. He was honest - that’s all. It’s painful but that’s what honesty is. She knows now and they’re one step closer to ending the time loop.

‘It’s okay’ she says evenly, hand risen to block the suns from her eyes. Maybe it is okay - they need to learn how to be around one another again and 125 years of cryo sleep doesn’t change anything, despite the time that has passed.

‘I’m so sorry’ his voice is gentle and genuine and it cracks the crevices in Clarke’s heart further.

‘I know’ she forces a smile. ‘Me too. It’s okay.’

‘It’s getting easier though’ he adds on. ‘Things have been different in the last few days, or this same day six times’ he lets out a huff of laugher and she smirks. A half smile for a half joke.

‘Yeah - we’ll get there.’

Bellamy nods and they stand in silence for a few seconds, appreciating one another and letting the truth absorb into their bones.

Without words, they continue their ascent uphill after that and maybe it’s just Clarke, but the air feels lighter between them now that the lies are being erased.

 

-

 

They’re honest with Russell during their discussion but that hasn’t been a problem the last few time loops. It’s the lies told between the two of them that needs to be fixed, it seems.

When Bellamy arrives in her room that night, he starts the interaction the same way as the first day. He knocks, reminding Clarke once again of the nights spent with him in Arkadia, and she tells him to come in.

‘Think we’re doing okay?’ He asks.

‘Getting there slowly.’

‘This might be the last time we’re living this day’ he smiles but it doesn’t reach his eyes. As desperate as she is to break this loop, she also feels a little sad. It’s just been her and Bellamy these last few days and even though it’s exhausting and nothing but repetition, along with the pain of keeping things from him, it’s been nice to spend the time with him. She reckons that he feels the same.

‘Hopefully’ she settles on saying.

‘So what now?’ Bellamy shrugs. Clarke hesitates. She knows what she wanted to ask him in this moment on the first day and considering they’ve been doing it the last few nights, she doesn’t see the harm in asking it now - and besides, it does good for their honesty streak.

‘Come to bed?’

Bellamy gives her that smirk of his that makes her knees weaken and he follows her over to it. He strips himself of his jacket and pants and Clarke tries not to make it obvious that she’s watching him. She does the same, sleeping only in her t-shirt and boxer shorts. When he crawls in beside her, he does something unexpected. His hand curls around her waist and draws her in close to him, wrapping her up in a hug.

‘For the sake of being honest’ he says when his face is inches from hers. Clarke’s breathing is coming in short bursts, almost like she’s afraid any little thing will change this between them. She can smell the pine off his skin and it brings her back to their nights in Arkadia quicker than anything else ever has. His eyes never leave hers and his hands trace circles against her back.

‘Anything else you need to be honest about?’ She breathes, stepping over the invisible line between the two of them.

‘I want to kiss you’ he admits like it’s the easiest thing in the world and Clarke’s eyes widen. She didn’t expect _that_.

‘What about Echo?’ She manages to ask because he’s not a cheat and she’s not one to encourage it. Bellamy closes his eyes and the sigh he lets out makes Clarke’s stomach clench in anticipation for what’s coming.

‘We’re over.’

The statement lands her like a punch to the gut.  _What?_

‘It’s another thing I’ve been lying about. It’s why I can’t talk about it - every time you tell me that she’s good for me or that it must be hard to be away from her, I just can't respond. If I said it out loud, it would have made it real.’

‘I’m so sorry, Bellamy’ Clarke whispers, feeling genuinely heartbroken for him. She doesn’t want him to be hurt and she feels worse that he’s been suffering with this secret in silence.

‘She really has changed and I loved her’ he tells her.

 _Loved_?

Clarke tries not to focus on that part and she realizes that she’d be lying to herself if she said it didn’t hurt to hear that he was in love with someone else, even though she knew he was. Like Bellamy said, when it’s said out loud - it’s real.

‘And I promised her that when we came back to the ground, nothing would change. I just didn’t expect you to be there waiting for me when I promised that.’

‘Bellamy’ she breathes.

‘I don’t know where I am with all of this, Clarke’ he groans. ‘I just know I need to kiss you and I know you want to kiss me. Let's just do it now and get it out of our systems.’

Get it out of their systems? Clarke wants it to be more than that because it will never be out of hers but she finds herself nodding anyway - for the sake of being honest, she tells herself.

With that, Bellamy closes the distance between them and his lips brush against hers. It’s tender at first, barely there - almost like a test. He pulls back enough to check her expression, their eyes locking and that’s when the spark ignites.

He crashes back into her, almost bruising her lips with the pressure but Clarke doesn’t care. She meets him beat for beat, tongue exploring his mouth and re-learning their techniques with one another. It’s steeped in passion and dear God, Clarke can’t fight it. She loses herself in him like she’s done a million times before the death wave. He is her salvation and her torment and no matter how many time loops they are stuck in, she’d gladly relive this moment until the end of her days.

It’s hard to keep track of all the sensations but she’s vaguely aware of his hand lifting her leg, crooking it over his hip to bring her closer to him. She thinks her fingers are in his hair, over his jaw at one point and down against his muscular chest a few seconds later. They are all fire and heat and she thinks if this is him getting it out of his system, it must be taking a long time.

Sleeping with him again feels like a total reset. She’s forgotten the way his body moves and the details she thought she remembered so well have all become altered. The one thing that hasn’t changed is how good it feels to be like this with him.

Afterwards, when she’s falling asleep against his chest, she feels content at the fact that they’ll wake up in this exact position in the morning. He’s stroking lines up and down her naked back and every now and again, he presses sweet kisses to the top of her head.

 _Damn it_ , if she didn’t know that she was still in love with him before, she sure as hell knows now.

‘See you at the beach’ he whispers as she drifts off and a slow smile appears on her lips because of it. Even though the loop is broken, it’s nice to hear the phrase anyway.

 

-

 

Breeze. Pebbles. Waves.

Clarke’s eyes snap open to reveal the beach before her. She shoots up to see Bellamy sitting across from her, his head in his hands.

‘Bellamy! What the hell?’

‘I know.’ He doesn’t look up when he answers.

‘How are we back here? I thought we were honest all day?’

The panic is starting to flood her - damn it, they’ll never get out of this damn time loop. It’s their seventh time living this day and she’s starting to lose it. They've tried everything - they were honest with the guards at the gate, they were honest with Russell, she was honest with Bellamy and he was honest with her…wasn’t he?

The notion strikes her, the moment of realisation lasting only a split second and that’s all it takes. She flicks up her eyes to meet his form - she knows him too well by now. He lied to her at some point.

‘Bellamy’ her voice is steady but the anger simmering below it is more than obvious. ‘Why are we here again?’

‘I don’t know’ he snaps, head lifting so that she can see his face. It’s his eyes that betray him because he does know.

‘Yes you do’ she stands, all hard angles as she approaches him. ‘What didn’t you tell me yesterday?’

‘How do you know it wasn’t you?’ Bellamy narrows his eyes at her as he stands to her level. ‘Why is it always on me?’

‘Don’t give me that crap’ she bites out. ‘I know I didn’t hold anything back but you did, you can deny it all day but all you're fooling is yourself because the loop will never to be broken!'

He opens his mouth to defy her, she imagines, but he closes it in the same movement. Scrubbing a hand through his curls, he turns his back on her and takes a few breaths.

‘Bellamy, we are living this day again because you won’t tell me something or else you’ve lied to me with something you’ve said yesterday and I swear, if that thing is that you’re still with Echo after what we did last night, I-’

‘You really think that’s who I am?’ He swings around. ‘You really think that little of me? I would never do that. Echo and I are over.’

‘Then what haven’t you told me?’ Clarke slaps her hands off her sides in frustration. ‘Because I sure as hell can’t figure it out. There’s nothing worth lying to me over, nothing we can’t figure out together.’

She’s ranting but damn it, she can’t help it. She’s pissed. She can see Bellamy’s own frustration building, rising within him like lava in a volcano. He’s shifting uneasily, sucking in his top lip and clenching his jaw so tight that she can see the muscle popping in it.

‘If you just trusted me enough to tell me yesterday, we wouldn’t be in this situation today. I mean for God’s sake Bellamy, are we really that broken now that you couldn’t just-’

‘I’m still in love with you!’ He roars, his voice carrying across the beach.

Clarke’s heart skips a couple of beats and her head feels light. _What did he just say_? Even though she had her suspicions, her hopes - she never actually knew he was in love with her to begin with.

‘Is that what you wanted to hear? I know exactly where I am with all of this - that was the lie. Last night wasn’t just to get it out of my system, it was because I couldn’t bare to be without you any longer.’

It’s his turn to rant now and all Clarke can do is stand there, watching him with her lips parted as the shock vibrates through her entire body.

‘I meant what I said yesterday - things have changed. We aren’t the old us, but damn it - I want to learn the new us. I want to adapt and be with you now, even after everything because I’m still in love with you - that’s the one thing that has stayed the same. And I’m terrified, Clarke. I’m terrified to even admit it because what if we can’t have this? What if we’re just too different now to make it work and what if-’

Clarke cuts him off with a kiss to his lips, pulling his neck down to her so she can reach him. She feels like she’s high with that information and she couldn’t listen to anything else any longer without needing to do this.

‘Screw everything else, Bellamy’ she tells him when they part, foreheads resting against one another’s. ‘We’ll find a way to make it work because I’m in love with you too, always was. So shut up talking and just kiss me - we got this, right?’

Bellamy smirks, relief flooding his features as he leans back in. He captures her in a kiss once again and in that moment, every bad thing they’ve went through seems worth it. If this is at the end of it, Clarke would time loop through all their time on Earth over and over again.

This time, when they live the day through, the honesty comes easier and their interactions flow better. Russell has a different glint in his eye, like he knows they’ve finally figured it out. Bellamy and Clarke fall into bed that night with a new kind of comfort and before they fall asleep, Bellamy whispers something different to her than ‘I’ll see you at the beach.’

The words he utters feel better and ignite butterflies and hope inside of Clarke.

‘I’ll always love you.’

It’s definitely not a lie because when they wake the following morning, the blankets on the bed in Sanctum city are keeping them warm, there’s no breeze on their skin and the only sound heard is Russell’s voice outside their door, telling them that he’s ready to discuss terms of peaceful cohabitation.

The time loop is broken, but it’s fixed Bellamy and Clarke in more ways than one.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated. You can find me and this fic on Tumblr if you want to share it and that would just make my day :)  
> [Here's the link.](http://eyessharpweaponshot.tumblr.com/post/184112839984/do-you-feel-the-way-were-falling-out-of)
> 
> Here's the link for [Round 2 of Chopped: The 100 Fanfic Challenge.](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/The_100_Chopped_Challenge_Round_2) Lots of amazing fics over there, definitely worth the read.


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